


A List of Demands

by emma98



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Background Jane/Thor, Background Pepper/Tony, Darcy is an expert letter writer, F/M, Fluff, background Bucky/Nat - Freeform, excessively fun insults thrown about wildly, identity theft and its many varied benefits, irresponsible and imaginative extortion, not civil war compliant, not exactly Jane Austen-esque letter writing, silly stuff, toilet paper theft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-28 17:04:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11422344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emma98/pseuds/emma98
Summary: Jane and Darcy are flat broke.  They are the kind of broke that necessitates liberating toilet paper from local establishments.  With SHIELD broken, the only reasonable way of getting out of such destitution is one Tony Stark.  The only problem there is that Jane and Tony don't exactly get along.  At all.  Not even a little bit.So with the bills piling up and the money flying away, what is a toilet paper thief of a girl supposed to do?Pretend to be her boss and accept the job, with a small list of demands?  Seems reasonable.  If only she could figure out how to stop once she starts.





	A List of Demands

**Author's Note:**

> Happy international Kissing Day! SMOOOCH. Here have this bit of silly fluff.

**A List of Demands**

* * *

 

This entire _thing_ , like most things in this world, had only started as a way to annoy the goatee off of Tony Stark.   As people do.  And then it snowballed so quickly out of Darcy Lewis’ control that it kind of felt like that one time she went to the go-kart track with Thor and realized that those little fucking machines of death were never supposed to be subjected to her (pretty amazing) driving skills.  

 

But that was Darcy’s life, in a nutshell.  Crazy, speed unrestricted go-kart, rapidly running up and over a bale of hay meant to stop her from crashing into the hot dog closet set up between tracks.

 

She still went into a slightly catatonic state whenever relish was nearby.

 

It all started like this, really, Pepper Potts thought the only way to keep Stark Industries relevant was to keep the absolute best scientists in house.  Doctor Jane Foster was the absolute best astrophysicist in all of the varied and multitudinous lands of Midgard.  And possibly Swartleheim as well ( _Suck it Count Frittlehaffer_!).  And Pepper Potts didn’t fail, so she’d done a pretty amazing job so far at bringing in the best and brightest of the land under the proprietary arm of Stark Industries.

  
Doctor Bruce Banner. Doctor Helen Cho.  Doctor Erik Selvig.  Doctor Betty Ross.

 

Pepper Potts had collected more doctors that Grey’s Anatomy and ER combined, really.  

 

But one Doctor remained elusive and the blame for that lay entirely with Tony Stark.

 

The meeting between Tony and Jane (and Darcy) had not gone well.  For one, it had been Pepper Potts-less, so it was missing a certain calm, cool headed factor.  Secondly, Tony Stark was a pigheaded moron and Jane Foster was a snobbish jerkwad.  

 

Obviously they weren’t always pigheaded morons and snobbish jerkwads, but they were sometimes and that day, they had been.  Tony had insulted one of Jane’s (really shitty, duct taped together) machines, and Jane had responded in kind by calling him a _chrome plated hack_.

 

Then they had argued like children over the last cookie Darcy had baked and plated for this momentous meeting.  Tony had stomped out of the meeting threatening that Jane would never work on Midgard again and Jane had screamed back that she would portal his ass to Hel.  When Tony slammed the door behind him, Jane’s shitty duct taped together machine fell apart.  

 

Darcy had figured that it might be better for Jane and Tony _not_ to ever work together ever again.  But then the electricity bill had come in and it was four digits instead of three, not even counting the late fee.  And they’d run out of sugar, so Darcy couldn’t even stress bake.  And she’d seen something she had hoped was a rat in the corner of the lab.  So it was understandable that when Pepper Potts had called her, she’d been sobbing her eyes out.

 

“It will all be made right, Tony will apologize and you and Jane can come set up shop in the upstate facility.  The entire floor opposite Dr. Selvig is available,” Pepper promised smoothly.  “Please stop crying, I can’t understand you, Miss Lewis.”

 

“We ran out of toilet paper so I had to steal it from the coffee shop across the street, and I didn’t want my life to go this way, I didn’t want to go to the slammer for grand theft tushy paper,” Darcy hiccupped and sobbed and sniffled her way through a confession.  

 

“Tony will be in touch within the next---fifteen minutes,” Pepper promised resolutely.  “I’ll be seeing you by the end of the week, Miss Lewis.”

 

Jane was immune to Darcy’s drama tears, being the badass bitch that she was, and of course, the aforementioned snobbish jerkwad, and she absolutely refused to acknowledge Tony’s apology email, that read:

 

_Dear Thor Attache,_

 

_It has come to my attention that perhaps my behavior towards you and your lab hunchback could be viewed as hurtful and rude.  I don’t necessarily believe that but I have been told that if I did not make amends, that I would not be getting special birthday sex this year, but instead would be getting an ancient Norse hammer of the Gods shoved up my no no zone by my very angry CEO._

 

_So Sorry.  Or whatever.  Please come work for me where I can give you far too much money for you to build better crappy machines._

 

_Yours truly,_

_Tony Stark_

 

“FUCK HIM AND HIS FUCKING MONEY AND FUCK HIS STUPID GOATEE!  DARCY!  BRING ME THE READINGS FROM THREE MONTHS AGO, I’M GOING TO BUILD THAT PORTAL AND STUPID FACE HAIR GUY WON’T GET TO BE FACE HAIR GUY ANYMORE HE’LL JUST BE STUPID!”

 

“Uhm---but---toilet paper,” Darcy sniffled.  “And food.  Hot water.  These are things we need.”

 

“I would rather live in a dumpster on fire than work for Tony Stark!” Jane hissed.

 

Darcy sighed and took away the tablet that the letter had come on.  She looked at her maniacal boss and friend who was digging in a (hopefully not rat infested) utility closet and realized very quickly that in order not to starve and be reduced to becoming a full time toilet paper thief, she’d have to take matters into her own hands.  She sat down and stared at the tablet before hitting reply on the email and typing as fast as she could.

 

_Dear President of Manscapers Anonymous,_

 

_My conditions are as follows:_

 

  1. __Send someone, anyone, whoever and come and get us immediately.__
  2. _Give us a lab space as far away from you as possible._
  3. _Three metric tons of toilet paper_
  4. _My assistant needs a fancy coffee drink and also a box of chocolates._



 

_We’ll see you soon._

_Doctor Jane Foster, aka, future queen of all nine damned realms, some bitch better recognize._

 

Darcy hit send without a second thought and then picked up the nearest heavy object she had, which was a tiny hammer, not Mew-meuh shaped, but regular hammer shaped.  She took a deep breath before chucking it with all of her strength at Jane’s latest attempt at creating a portal with sheer genius and fuck all else.  It shattered like spun sugar glass being dropped to the floor and Darcy took a deep breath of satisfaction as Jane hopped to her feet and shrieked indignantly.  

 

“Oh, shut the fuck up, Foster!” Darcy screamed back.  “You are the future Queen of Asgard.  It is beneath you to be living in a hovel with subpar machinery and rats as roommates.  Now pack up your shit because I have made an executive decision.”

 

“What decision?” Jane demanded.

 

“The decision that unless we go and work for Stark Industries, I will be leaving you to your own devices,” Darcy stated plainly.  “You won’t last a week without me.  Or my ability to liberate toilet paper from any number of establishments in the surrounding area.”

 

“What---Darcy, you promised Thor you’d always take care of me---”

 

“Don’t give me that shit!” Darcy yelled.  “I am taking care of you until he can get his ass back on Midgard.  And I know for sure he wanted you close to the Avengers for added protection.  Pack your shit, Jane.  My word is law.”

 

“Darce I can get a---”

 

“LAW! JANE IT’S FREAKING LAW!” Darcy screeched at the top of her lungs.  “Pack your shit.”

 

Jane had never heard Darcy get so angry and forceful before.  It was kind of terrifying, truth be told.  So she did what any person would do when they had just had a staring contest with a rather large rat in the utility closet.  She went and packed her shit.

 

“That---was really, very impressive.”

 

Darcy spun around to see Captain Freaking America in the doorway to the shack that they called their lab space.  He was holding a large whipped coffee with extra whip and chocolate sprinkles and a box of expensive looking chocolates.

 

“Oh dear lord, I’ve died of scurvy and am in heaven,” Darcy breathed out.  

 

“Not quite,” Captain America chuckled, taking a step forward and holding out the coffee and chocolates.  “I got a phone call from Tony, who was panicking about a Norse hammer being rammed up his ass.  He said I’m supposed to bring the hag and the cute kid back to base.  Oh and this---”

 

He gestured to the goodies in his hands.

 

“Is for you?”

 

“Okay, awesome, sweet.  I mean--- _dude_ ,” Darcy sighed in relief.  “Just wait right here though, I have to go return the toilet paper I stole.”

 

* * *

 

_Dear Astrophysicist Female,_

 

_Pepper is making me write this correspondence to you in hopes that we may create a less hostile working environment.  For example, I will stop referring to you as STAR HAG and you will stop spray painting my likeness on your door with the Ghostbusters symbol over top of it._

 

_I hope that you are enjoying your free ride and ridiculous amount of money that we are currently paying you.  I, in turn, enjoyed you being able to shut off that hackneyed AIM portal so the aliens couldn’t eat my face off last week._

 

_Now that we are friends, I would like to offer my services in making your equipment more energy efficient._

_Your sole provider,_

_Tony Stark_

 

Darcy sighed as she read the email from Tony.  There was no way Jane would even entertain his request.  She _almost_ thought about not helping with the portal, just so Tony would get his face eaten off by the aliens.  Darcy had forced her to, resorting again to angry screams about how if Tony got his face eaten off, then Steve Rogers would also get his face eaten off and that was a crime against humanity that should never be allowed to happen.

 

_‘Dear God Jane, think about his beautiful face!’_

 

But Darcy knew that it was smart to have Tony bring in arc reactor power because Jane couldn’t keep spending half of her budget on blown out generators, and she definitely couldn’t do what Darcy had suggested and just stuff some batteries in the fridge until they were a little more juiced up again.  

 

And the last time she had done this she had gotten Captain America all up in her face with his pretty smile and good smelling smell and a box of chocolates and coffee.  

 

She hit reply with a practiced finger.

 

_Dear Pubic Hair Topiary on Face McGee,_

 

_I will never acknowledge this to your pubic hair topiary face, but let’s just bury the old hatchet.  The hatchet will be more fully buried and you can access my lab from the hours of seven am to nine am Thursday through Saturday if the following demands are met in a timely manner._

 

  1. __Stop wearing that cologne.  You are doing noone any favors.__
  2. _Host a barbecue, don’t skimp on the good ribs and don’t you dare serve sweet macaroni salad._
  3. _My assistant needs someone to watch movies with at nighttime.  She doesn’t like watching scary movies alone and thinks popcorn tastes better when it is shared.  Find her someone to watch movies with and have your fancy lady robo-butler order the extra movie theatre butter flavor._



 

_Yours in semi-respectful silence,_

_Doctor Jane Foster, future queen of Asgard and infinity and beyond (suck it Buzz Ironyear)_

 

Darcy hit send without even thinking.  She’d sacrificed nearly three years of her life to Jane and her quest for knowledge.   _Unpaid_.  Now it was time to start collecting.

 

* * *

 

“Hey, Darcy.”

 

The greeting was warm and lovely.  She and Steve had done a lot of talking on their quinjet ride to the Avenger’s Facility.  And she’d been running into him more and more lately.  Apparently, she was the person to talk to when it came to making requests of Jane or Thor.  And Steve always seemed to have requests for Jane and Thor.  

 

“You ordered popcorn?” Steve wondered, holding up a ridiculously large sized bucket of it.  “Tony said you needed it, there’s an industrial sized case of it upstairs in the common room.”

 

“You’re an angel come down to Earth, I swear,” Darcy smiled genuinely, blushing when Steve took a happy breath at the sight of it.  

 

“So what are you watching?” Steve wondered as he sat down on the couch next to her.

 

“The scariest of the scary movies,” Darcy waggled her fingers at him before grabbing a handful of popcorn.  “Please stay so I can keep watching and not feel like someone is about to murder me?”

 

“Sure,” Steve smiled at her warmly.  “Though only if you promise to protect me too.”

 

“Done and done,” Darcy smiled before looking up at the ceiling, “Friday?  Please play the Gremlins movies.”

 

“Gremlins?  I thought---that’s scary?” Steve shook his head, knowing he had seen the Gremlins in media before and they weren’t exactly scary.

 

“Oh, Steve, my newest and nicest friend, we don’t yuck someone’s yum and we don’t scoff someone’s scare,” Darcy wagged her finger at him before grabbing another fistful of popcorn and shoving it in her mouth.  “Rules to live by.”

 

* * *

 

If anyone knew what she was doing, they weren't stopping her from doing it, so Darcy felt as if that was sort of like having PERMISSION for doing what she was doing.  So she continued to do it.  And bless his cold and shriveled hole where his arc reactor used to be, but Tony seemed to be doing his best to give her exactly what she wanted with every list of demands.

 

The barbeque had been amazing, and Steve had agreed with her that sweet macaroni salad was a tool created by the devil and clearly needed to be stopped before it could poison future generations.  She'd eaten half of Jane's body weight in ribs, and Steve had even gently wiped at her face later in the afternoon where some leftover barbeque sauce lingered.  He'd gotten a little pink in the cheeks as he caressed her skin and there had definitely been a moment.

 

It had felt like a moment.  And then there had been a call to assemble and the moment was put on hold for two weeks while the Avengers dealt with a psycho building crazy weapons with some kind of ancient alien technology.  Darcy wanted her moment back.  So she did what she could to get it back.  She remembered Jane working on something months and months ago, perfecting it, and then putting in on the shelf for bigger and better projects.  Surely, her boss wouldn't mind if Darcy unearthed it and made sure it was used for good and not evil.

 

_Dear IronUnderpants,_

 

_You have been gone a long time.  I grow bored without a proper enemy to rail against.  Instead of utilizing this boredom for appropriate hijinks (wallpapering your lab with Boy band posters from the late 90's), I have come up with a way to neutralize that propulsion negator the smelly bad dude has been using on you._

 

_I will give you this technology in return for:_

  1. _A custom made, reinforced treehouse, Swiss Family Robinson style.  I want running water in it too. And netflix.  We shall name it the Love Bungalow: when the leaves are shakin', get to rakin'._
  2. _Give me Taco Tuesday back in the commissary or I will find a way to make smelly bad dude better at stopping you dead in your tracks._
  3. _A slip n' slide that will not cause trauma to my assistant's fantastic tatas._
  4. _Star. Spangled. Swimming. Trunks.  Modeled by star spangled persons who shall not be named._



_Yours in silent and tepid friendship,_

_Doctor Jane Foster, too cool to talk to you in public_

 

Four hours later, Darcy stopped her note wrangling (Jane wrote notes on the worst of all materials, like receipt paper.  Paper she had already written on with three other projects (all in different ink, overlapped).  And every once in awhile, paper take out bags), to the sound of a circular saw running through fresh wood.

 

She peeked out of the shuttered window of the lab space and saw a battalion of robots beginning fabrication of a truly impressive treehouse on the nicest and tallest of trees in the surrounding woods.  It would offer a truly spectacular view and quite a bit of privacy.

 

_Dear Space Nerd,_

 

_Your list of demands has been deemed acceptable and your contribution to the fight noted.    Please have your cute kid assistant draw up a schedule of availability for the Love Bungalow and have her check for a weekend that Pepper and I can have it for ourselves._

 

_Please also tell your cute kid assistant that both trunks and speedos are on their way , and they all should fit around the perky ass of America's favorite son._

 

_Yours in pointed looks and resigned acceptance of our tepid friendship,_

_Tony Stark_

 

* * *

 

"This was a really nice treat for everyone," Steve toyed needlessly with the star spangled swimming trunks that fell very nicely around his hips.  He grinned when there was a delighted shout from a bevy of smaller kids that had been brought to the facility by excited parents for the now annual _Slip and Slide Saturday_ at the Avengers facility.

 

There was a little truck that was handing out cotton candy and funnel cake too.

 

All in all, it was a pretty spectacular day.

 

"Well, Jane is full of good ideas, really," Darcy nodded.  

 

"Where is Dr. Foster?" Steve wondered as he watched Darcy pinch bits of pink and blue sugary fluff off of the paper cone and push the confection between pouty, sweet lips.  "She should be enjoying this, according to Tony, it was on her list of demands."

 

"Yeah, she's uh, you know, elsewhere?" Darcy furrowed her brow.  "Oh, I think she and Thor snuck off to the love bungalow, to christen it."

 

"The love bungalow," Steve laughed and shook his head in amusement.  "Another great idea from Dr. Foster."

 

"She's been called the greatest mind of her generation," Darcy nodded, ignoring Tony's indignant squawk from ten feet away.  

 

"Well, I would agree," Steve nodded.  He looked around Darcy and gave a pointed look to a furious Tony, "I'm fairly certain she falls into a different generation than YOU."

 

"Look who is calling the old---old!" Tony huffed away, his hands full of funnel cake.  

 

"I might like to schedule some time in the ah, bungalow," Steve admitted.  "If there are any weekends free."

 

"Oh.   _Oh_ ," Darcy looked down at her half eaten cone of cotton candy in disappointment.  "Sure, uhm, I'll have Friday book you a weekend."

 

* * *

 

_Dear Duct Tape Devotee,_

_Note that there will be a soiree extolling the virtues and greatness of me, and Stark Industries in two weeks time.  You are expected to shower, and also wear formal attire, the gender of that formal attire is up to you._

 

_Also, the cute kid assistant is invited as well.  And it doesn't matter what she wears, I have it on good authority that she would look very nice in a flour sack._

 

_If you do not come and celebrate my awesomeness, your terms of employment will not have been met and I will have a legal obligation to sever my continued sheltering and feeding of you._

 

_From the man who is offended that you gave him the middle finger at breakfast last week, after all that I've done for you,_

_Tony Stark_

 

Darcy sighed and looked at the formal invites that were attached to the email that Tony had sent.  There was no list of demands that would get them out of this.  Especially since Jane was on the list of honoree's due to her considerable contributions to Stark Industries in the short amount of time she had been working there.  There was only one problem.

 

Steve Rogers, aka, eye candy and her go to person for conversation at all Avengers and Stark related events, was traversing the world in order to bring his ex popsicle best friend back in.  Sure, he was way out of her league and she was pretty sure he had a thing with someone else going on, but that wasn't going to make her stop herself from extorting face time with him from Tony Stark.  That'd just be stupid on her part.  

 

_Dear Legend-in-his-own-bloated-mind,_

 

_This is ridiculous.  My employment contract did not stipulate mandatory attendance at black tie events.  My lawyer will be in contact with you unless these demands can be met:_

  1. _Hire this dude (see attached).  His work on using virtual technology to heal memory loss and other brain disorders is actual facts amazing.  And his face hair is non existent, so he's automatically better than you and your weird hair growing out of your nose._
  2. _Give my assistant access to Friday's servers, namely the ones you are using to try and track various and sundry people around the world._
  3. _We will also require security escorts at this event, as Thor is off world and unable to do the duty himself._



 

_Stop laughing at the word duty.  You're a grown ass man._

 

_Yours in barely disguised disgust,_

_Doctor Jane Foster, aka better than you at everything, according to the God of Thunder_

 

* * *

 

"Darcy?"

 

"Darcy isn't home right now, please leave a message after the tone," the woman in question announced in a distracted tone as she typed rapidly, never once looking at what she was typing, as her face was glued to another holoscreen that was showing a grid map of an Eastern European hamlet of some kind.  She took one hand off of her keyboard and pinched the screen in to get a closer look at traffic cameras and opened her mouth to emit a high pitched, drawn out beeping noise.

 

"You do know that you have exactly thirty minutes to get dressed before your security escort arrives?"

 

"Huh?" Darcy finally looked up to see the Black Widow standing there with a garment bag thrown over her shoulder, dressed to the nines, a sour looking and similarly spectacularly dressed Jane Foster standing next to her.  "So much hot in such a small space.  Wowie zowie, dude."

 

"In half an hour, YOUR security escort will be here, and you may think the hot has gone up a little in intensity," Natasha smirked.  "Come along, let's get you sorted out."

 

"Wait, you aren't escorting us both?" Darcy questioned as Natasha drug her into the small bathroom off to the side of the lab and began stripping Darcy down.  

 

"Don't be ridiculous, the future Queen of Asgard and the better-than-Tony-Stark Doctor Jane Foster needs her own security detail," Natasha scoffed, and with two flicks of her wrist, she replaced Darcy's sports bra with some miracle of strapless bra engineering.  Her smirk was palpable.  "You are getting a separate security detail."

 

"Cool?" Darcy nodded as she was stuffed into a dress and zipped in tight.  Her hair was sprayed with some kind of miracle gunk and appropriately fluffed and pinned properly.  Her lips were slicked with red and her eyeliner was updated quickly and she was picture perfect and ready to go when the lab door slid open again, revealing one very tall, very perfect, very pretty Captain America, _Tuxedo Edition_.  She blew out a breath as he smiled at her softly, taking in her own appearance and ice blue strapless dress.  

 

Natasha watched them both eagerly, while Jane took everyone's distraction to poke at a few holoscreens that Darcy had been working at.  

 

"Hubba hubba," Darcy finally muttered.

 

"You look very lovely, Darcy," Steve answered back, starry eyed and pink in the cheeks.  "Truly, so---very lovely."

 

"Oh you," Darcy waved him off.  "Are we going to go eat trays full of mini hor d'oeuvres, cause that seems like a lot of fun right now."

 

"Hey!  This thing is blinking red and redder, I think it's important!" Jane called out.  

 

"Shit," Darcy hissed out.

 

"It can wait," Natasha assured her, looking at Steve with a touch of anxiety as the man's face fell immediately.  Darcy made her way over to the screen and began typing again.  

 

"It really can't wait," Darcy sighed.  She looked back at Steve and said, "Your dumb best friend has the worst timing I've ever come across, and I went to Culver during Bruce Banner's first Hulk out!"

 

"My---my best friend?" Steve stepped forward quickly to stand by Darcy, followed by a struck silent Natasha.  He looked at maps and shook his head in amazement.  "Romania?"

 

"Got him, the handsome motherfucker," Darcy crowed as she began pounding on keys.  "Jane, go to the party before you get fired."

 

"But my escort!" Jane huffed in annoyance.  She had been looking forward to going on the arm of Natasha and adding fuel to the fire about the hedonistic ways of Asgard. She enjoyed making her colleagues uncomfortable to a ridiculous degree.

 

"I'll get Hill to meet you at the door," Natasha promised.

 

"Score,"  Jane did a tiny fist pump before wandering out of the lab. "Careful, Darcy!"

 

"Sure, sure," Darcy waved her off.  She then looked to Natasha who was already working on leaving the room, "Get a quinjet ready."

 

"Darcy, I can't ask you to come with," Steve hedged.  "I appreciate what you've done here, more than you can ever know, but we don't know if he's dangerous or not and I'm absolutely unwilling to risk your safety."

 

"Oh, that's hot," Darcy mumbled, but quickly shook herself out of it.  "I'm staying here and I'm gonna keep him there.  Just---just go.  Hurry."

 

"Yeah---alright," Steve nodded, taking off his tuxedo jacket and draping it over her bare shoulders.  "I'll be back soon."

 

"Okay," Darcy gave him a small smile.

 

"And when I get back, I'd like to try this again sometime," Steve added.

 

"Being my security detail?" Darcy blinked up at him.

 

"Spending a nice evening with you--- _a date_ ," Steve clarified.  "Stark told me this was a date.  Did you think I was---oh I'm so sorry---"

 

"No, I mean, yes, a date, good, dating is good, great even," Darcy nodded.  "I'm gonna date the ever loving shit out of you, I swear, just go and get your dumb best friend and then there's gonna be all of the dating.  I promise."

 

"Good," Steve nodded, taking another step away from her.  A conflicted thought went over his face and finally resolve filtered through.  "Damn it."

 

Darcy was about to respond with a nonsensical, questioning vowel sound, but then she was being kissed, and really...just amazingly kissed.  She was swept off her feet and her sense of gravity seemed suspended as she went weightless, a strong arm on her hip and another wrapped around her as she was dipped backwards slightly, when firm, searching lips found hers.  

 

Motion found its way back into her limbs as the initial shock wore off and she began to appreciate the fact that this was the best kiss she had ever received in her entire life.  The tuxedo jacket fell to the floor as her arms went up, her hands landing on his cheek and the back of his head.  

 

His hair was even softer than it looked.

 

She knew she was running out of air, she was dizzy with it, but to hell if she cared about that when his tongue swept across hers and that satisfied moaning sound rumbled from his throat.  He pulled away reluctantly and Darcy felt her bottom lip pulled slightly between his lips, and then a hot puff of air on her chin.  

 

"Damn it," he sighed.  "I'll be back soon."

 

"Sure, yeah, good, soon," Darcy nodded as he placed her back on her unsteady feet.  She felt him put the tuxedo jacket back around her shoulders and a soft press of his lips against her forehead and then he was off like a rocket, leaving her to stand there to catch her breath.

 

* * *

 

Bucky felt the burner phone in his back pocket ping as he walked into the apartment he had been keeping in Romania for the past five weeks.  It had been a big step for him, staying still and fighting back the urge to keep running.  He knew he would be ready to take another trip soon though, putting that fool punk out of his misery and finally coming back in.  

 

He was haggling with a pawnbroker though, and it promised to be a long drawn out process in order to obtain a locket that he absolutely had to have before he came back into contact with a beautiful red head he had shot a few too many times over the last few decades.  He absolutely had to get that piece of jewelry, but his truly stingy nature wouldn't allow him not to haggle just a little.

 

He was a young man of the Great Depression after all.

 

He pulled up his phone and was surprised to see that such a small thing, only meant to give him short messages about where Steve and company were, had quite the tome waiting for him.

 

_Dear Tasty Former Winter Soldier and hopefully current sort of Bucky-Bear Barnes,_

 

_You have won an award, it is an award for the worst timing ever.  Because after quite a bit of time pining and flirting and adorably vague old person 'courting', I have finally been kissed by one Steven Grant Rogers, aka Brooklyn's cutest boy (sorry dude, you're hot as sin, but Steve is cuter, for sure)._

 

_This monumental achievement has been accomplished through extensive blackmailing and minor identity theft.  Wait until you can take your special redheaded someone to the Love Bungalow.  You'll thank me later._

 

_Since you have done me this great disservice of surfacing on a teenager's laptop camera at this very moment, I feel it is my duty to let you know you owe me the following:_

 

  1. _All the dirt on Steve Rogers.  I'm talking everything that could be adorable and potentially embarrassing.  I want to know it all and you will tell it to me or I will take appropriate revenge.  In order to accomplish this task, you will have to, of course, have assistance in accessing these memories.  Luckily, we have someone onsite who will be able to assist with that, painlessly, and mostly free of charge (I'll find a way to get someone else to pay for it)._



 

  1. _Free jar openings for life.  That shiny metal arm looks like pickle jars don't stand a chance against it.  I will never have to struggle again._



 

  1. _There is a scary noise at night where I sleep.  I'm gonna need someone with the appropriate skill set living in my building to make sure that this scary noise does not manifest into something that could potentially hurt me.  Luckily, there is a room on my floor that will be adequate for you._



 

  1. _I like braiding hair, dibs on braiding your hair from this point in time until forever._



 

_If these terms are not amenable to you, and you do not meet the quinjet that will be landing at the attached coordinates in the next few hours, then I will remind you that it only took me two weeks to find you, and there is no where on this Earth that you will be safe from my prying eyes.  I will always track you down, and I will always make sure that Steve and Natasha are there to bring you home, you silly butterknife of a man._

 

_Yours in future friendship and mutually beneficial services,_

_Darcy E. Lewis, future queen of America_

 

Bucky huffed out a laugh at the outlandish letter and list of demands.  He sighed and looked around, wondering what he should pack before he typed out a reply to this Darcy character who had apparently just had the bad misfortune to being kissed by Steve.  

 

_Dear Lady with the unfortunate lips that have been touched by Steve ‘I once kissed a goat’ Rogers,_

_I need this locket.  It is the only thing I need to come home.  Asking price is three thousand and twenty-five US dollars.  I need you to get him down to fifteen hundred._

 

_Once this is acquired, I shall be free to come back to America._

 

_Yours in future friendship and mutually annoying Steve,_

_James B. Barnes_

 

Her reply was quick to come back.

 

_Dear Sir Barnes (who will be telling me so much more about that goat),_

 

_Child's play.  I'll get it for you for under a grand, and you can use the money you saved to buy me coffees for a year.  See you soon Bucky-bear.'_

 

_Love your future best-friend-in-law,_

_Darcy_

_PS, make sure you say nice things about me to Steve.  Like what a good penpal I am. toodles._

 

* * *

 

"Foster."

 

"Chrome-hack."

 

Tony gasped in indignation at Jane Foster as she glared at him heatedly.

 

"But---but we're friends now," Tony reminded her.  "Sort of.  Cause of the letters, where you say we're sort of friends now."

 

Jane wrinkled her nose and shook her head no slowly.  "That just doesn't seem like something I'd do.  I have these things called standards.  Peace Chrome-hack."

 

She walked off, leaving Tony standing there, dumbfounded.

 

"I met all your demands!  Go and tell Pepper that we're friends now!" Tony shouted after Jane.  He sighed and pouted.  "If we're not friends, I don't get special birthday sex...."

 

**Author's Note:**

> SMOOOCHES.


End file.
